Pineapple Does Belong On Pizza!

Alex General Nuggets, The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 2 Comments

I love pineapple on pizza Alex! Remember, I told you to order one with pineapple while we watched stranger things.

Yes, I remember! I also remember the food coma that I went into afterwards…

Pineapple on pizza-01

Proof of the pudding!

I would seriously not recommend binge watching stranger things… But yes, moving swiftly on, contrary to what you might believe, pineapple on pizza is much more popular in Britain than you might have thought. In a recent poll conducted by YouGov between the 26th and 28th of February, pineapple on pizza was favoured by more than half of Brits. Meanwhile in Iceland, president Guðni Th. Jóhannesson said that he would ban pineapple on pizza if he had the chance. Of course, this is the same president who encouraged us to try fish on our pizzas. Yelch!

 

 

People actually prefered pineapple to jalapeños

BxlWXuLIQAM2oqGWhich is something that I certainly didn’t expect, then again, I like spicy foods. But strictly speaking, a jalapeño, isn’t that hot. It’s between 2,500 and 10,000 Scoville units. That’s about medium hotness if we have a look at the Scoville chilli chart. For those who want a simpler scale,I believe that this descriptive Reddit scale will suffice.

I personally remember having a conversion about the Carolina Reaper in December and bought a packet of seeds, which I probably need to start growing at some point. I think this just proves that people prefered having something sweet on their pizza rather than having something spicy.

Although the most interesting piece of pizza pie was that mushrooms were the UK’s favourite

Ah yes the classic Ristorante Pizza Funghi by Dr. Oetker. Although if it’s alright with you sir, I’ll take my classic Cajun chicken with double pineapple and BBQ sauce any day thank you very much.

Dan Izzard claims that if you like pineapple on pizza, then you’re a bad person

I’d like to thank Dan Izzard for his article on Simple Lampoon called ’20 Reasons why liking pineapple on pizza makes you a bad person’I quite enjoyed this article, despite this, as well as being a bad person (which is exactly what GLaDOS said to me in portal 2 for murdering her after she tried to kill me in the first game), I am also a pedantic person. Don’t believe me? Watch me pick apart your article like Sunday’s chicken! While I know that your article was a joke, it’s provided me with something to respond to and for that Mr. Izzard, I am grateful. *bows most politely*

So without furtherado, let’s shred some chicken!

20) “In a modest Twitter poll of 216 votes – 53% of people agreed that pineapple on pizza is ‘all kinds of wrong.’”

In the recent YouGov survey that I talked about above (full results here),  a total  of 3,683 Brits were interviewed. In the overall majority, it was found that 53% liked pineapple on their pizza and that 41% of people did not.

19) “In Maui they use pineapples to make wine. If you can make wine with it then why would you do anything else.”

While pineapples can be used to make wine, grapes are also used to make wine. Grapes are also useful for treating migraines, delay neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s, cure stomach irritation. Pineapple is very good for clearing your sinuses, helps aid digestion, contains very high levels of vitamin C and mineral manganese. According to Guardian,  ‘consumption of sweet juices causes spikes in blood sugar and insulin levels, which can encourage the body to produce and store fat’, so why would you make wine out of it, when it’s so much better for you in its solid form?

18) “Pineapples were once believed to cause miscarriages, but a pregnant woman would need to eat about 10 whole pineapples for it to be a concern. Do you want to be the one to tell a heavily pregnant woman that she can’t eat the pizza? Really?”

If pineapples don’t cause miscarriages, then you don’t need to tell this ‘heavily pregnant lady’ that she can’t eat pineapple pizza.

17) “A pineapple is not an apple, or pine. It’s actually a berry! BERRIES ON YOUR PIZZA.”

You can blame the Spanish explorers for that because they thought it looked like a pine cone. Us English people added the apple part because it’s a juicy fruit. As for your berry argument, according to livescience, a berry is a fleshy fruit that has multiple seeds on the inside,  which would also classify chilli peppers as berries. Chilli peppers on pizzas aren’t weird.

16) “There’s a myth that pineapples make a man’s ‘fluids’ taste sweeter. But no conclusive scientific evidence”

Perhaps not, but vice did conduct a study on same-sex couples where they compared what people ate to how they tasted. They found that people with better diets (those that consisted of healthy foods) had sweeter tasting juices.

15) “No-one has signed up for my scientific study.”

That’s lovely… Did you advertise it well enough?

14) “Because of this joke: I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza – I guess I should have put it on Aloha temperature.”

Admittedly, that is a bad joke because there’s nothing Hawaiian about pineapple on pizza. In fact, it makes about as much sense as putting sauerkraut on a pizza and calling it German. atrocious grammar there by the way!

13) “Pineapples ripen faster upside down. Go home pineapple, you’re drunk.”

I think we can say that this is irrelevant to the argument. Don’t listen to him pineapple, he’s just jealous!

12) “Hawaiian pizzas were actually invented by a Canadian. Probably as a joke.”

Sam Panopoulos was from Greece and moved to Canada. Although yes, the pizza itself was birthed in Canada.

11) “That man has a name that sounds suspiciously like a joke – Sam Panopoulos”

Sounds like a pretty legitimate name if you ask me…

10) “A quote from Mr Panopoulos –  ‘It was a steep learning curve at first, We’d never seen a pizza. We didn’t know what we were doing.’ – And you want to trust this man.”

People also voted Brexit and Trump. Do you really think Trump has any idea what he’s doing, because I know for certain most of the people who voted leave have no idea what’s going to happen when we leave the EU (I may cover this in a future blog post).

9) “Pineapples probably aren’t welcome in post-Brexit Britain”

Actually, if part of the Brexit plan is to trade with the commonwealth (which would make logical sense) then pineapple would be part of the plan. Also considering that the older generation like pineapples, who most likely voted for Brexit in the first place, it would seem sense for them to be included in said plan.

8)”In Victorian times pineapples would be grown in hot pits and boys would be paid to sit and sleep in them – just in case the pit caught on fire. And that’s terribly sexist.”

But we don’t live in Victorian times anymore, we live in the 21st century where pineapples are not grown in hot pits. Also due to health and safety regulations, this method of growing would not be allowed.

7) “Of every pound you spend on pineapple in the shop, retailers typically take 41p, multinational traders 38p and plantation owners 17p; Workers get 4p and that’s not enough for any pizza.”

Do you not buy fairtrade pineapples?

6) “Pineapple is the only known source in nature of the enzyme Bromelain. Bromelain digests proteins… so when you eat pineapple – it eats you back.”

Granted, yes it does eat you back, but bromelain is an approved treatment for inflammation and swelling and has potential use in cancer treatments. I’d also like to bring your attention back to the fact that it’s very good for your immune system. Let’s also not forget that these enzymes are destroyed

5) “You’re eating Spongebob’s home.”

Spongebob is a fictional character. In other words, he doesn’t exist…

4) “Katie Hopkins probably likes Hawaiian pizza. Evident from this Twitter exchange:”I see, yes Katie Hopkins is quite a bad person isn’t she? I’ve also sent a tweet to the royal family, I haven’t heard anything back from them, so I guess you can say that the Windsors are all “bad “people too?Screenshot (53)

3) “In Australian slang, ‘to get the wrong end of the pineapple,’ means to get a bad deal. Literally translated: Bad deal pizza”

Would you mind explaining to me why it is, that the Hawaiian pizza is the most popular pizza in Australia?

2) “Pineapples take up to 3 years to grow. 3 f**ing years to ruin a pizza. You could fit in a full training cycle for the next Olympics before your pizza was ready.”

Now hang on a sweet second. Sweet and savoury actually goes well together. Have you ever tried cinnamon-spiced beef stroganoff? Don’t knock it until you try it.

1) “The pineapple did not make it to England until the 1600s, and it became a HIT in the 1700s. So It took 100 years for people to like them. If it takes that long to like, then I’ll be dead before I like Hawaiian pizza.”

That’s probably because they cost just North of £6,400 in those days…  Perhaps you’d like to double-check your sources because they were popular in the 1600s and became a status symbol, because naturally, only the ridiculously wealthy could afford them back then.

Of course, Mr. Izzard, feel free to correct me. After all, I relish the opportunity of battling you again in the future.

Although I think it’s safe to say that my blog has the crazier name here 😛 No hard feelings my good sir.

I wonder why there’s so much hate for pineapple on pizza

peter-mueller-it-s-got-pineapple-on-it-you-ll-have-to-go-to-hell-cartoon

I’m about ninety percent certain that this issue has about as much controversy surrounding it as the The Red Pill (TRP) on Reddit. At least from what I have seen, it has about the same reaction to it. Chances are if you eat pineapple pizza and someone tells you to “go to hell”, then you’re probably not going to care, whereas the pineapple pizza hater (let’s call them the pph) is probably going to be judging you for eating pineapple pizza for the rest of your life.

Here are three great reasons to eat pineapple pizza!

1) Pineapple is healthier than most pizza toppings, which means you won’t get as fat.

Well duh!

2) If you don’t like pineapple, then you have under-developed senses.

As you age, your tastes will change. That’s how your Dad can gulp down pints of Guinness while you, my friend are probably regretting ordering even half a pint of the stuff. If you’re unable to appreciate a sweet and savoury flavour that pineapple has to offer, then it means that your taste buds aren’t sophisticated enough yet.

3) You eat the non-pineapple pizza the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe you eat the pineapple pizza, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Yes, you are living in the matrix. I’m not offering you pills, I’m offering you pizza. Choose wisely young Neo.

I think that’s really all I need to say

Belch and laugh at us pineapple pizza lovers all you like, but at the end of the day, we’re the majority. Pineapple has earned it’s place on the wall of Tetrcia and despite the views of the Icelandic president and of course Trump (who would probably punish me for my “crimes against pizza”) pineapple on pizza, is actually not as detestable as you may think.

TL;DR

Pineapple belongs on pizza. Disagree with me? I’m open to a healthy debate!

Have you got a quid mate?

Alex Current Affairs, General Nuggets 0 Comments

When I worked in Waitrose, someone handed me a new fiver. I was so excited because it was all new and shiny, but I had to give it to someone because they needed change for a tenner 🙁

What an absolute shame that must have been for you…

Well well well Britain, the new quid coins have arrived and as I’m sure you’re all very much aware, they’re twelve sided and are set to completely replace the current quid this October. As someone who rarely pays by cash, the likelihood of me obtaining one of these within the next few weeks, is probably pretty low. I know, I’m guilty! I’m sort the person you’ll find in wetherspoons, raising his orange pixel over card reader to pay for his bottle of angry orchard cider.

They look alright I guess

If you call a smaller, lighter dodecagcon take on a two quid coin alright looking that is. It’s also apparently thinner and lighter too.  I really wonder why us Brits are putting so much effort into lumps of metal in a world where plastic and phone payments reign supreme. Even poundland (or as I call it, “quid world”) accept android pay. Sure the royal mint claims that it’s because of the ludicrous amounts of counterfeit currency, but why we’re handing each other tiny lumps of metal in the information age baffles me. It is also slightly larger than the current quid

One in thirty pound coins are fake…

So obviously the royal mint put a load of security features on our shiny new quids. This includes its iconic dodecadon shape, its bimetallic design, holographic image which changes from the ‘£’ sybmbol to 1, micro-lettering and a hidden high security feature that is so secret that even my special sneaky spies couldn’t any further information about it for me. More information on this can be found here.

The quid ain’t got no worth no more!

We know inflation is a big deal. It probably doesn’t help that our FTSE’s going a bit nuts at the moment due to triggering article fifty that’s due to happen tomorrow I think? But yes, if you’ve got even the smallest shred of intelligence, you’re probably quite aware that a quid isn’t as much as it used to be. In fact, according to M&G Investors, a quid today would be worth the astonishing amount of thirty-two pence if we look at the value of the pound when the first quid coin was minted in 1983. Why that’s enough to buy three plastic bags and won’t buy you anything on the McDonald’s saver menu!

But neither has the dollar

Obviously no one has ever heard of the Norwegian electro-pop group DonkeyBoy apart from me and a small handful of people at my year eleven prom. At this prom, I had ridiculously red eyes as a result to my childhood friend taking me for a walk down to the resivoir the day before. Yes, I’m terribly allergic to grass! Anyway, while I’m on this horrible tangent, have the song I’m talking about.

Oh yeah, your vending machines probably won’t be ready for them…

It’ll probably say something along the lines of “Yo bruv, that’s not a quid, that’s some weird coin you ought to put in a museum somewhere.” Because natuarally, all vending machines these day speak fluent roadman (street).

Tl;dr

We’ve got new quid coins that will fully replace your current quids in October because there’s so many fake quids in existence. Better clear out your piggy banks! Despite this lots of places are probably still not ready for them and lots of people still didn’t know about their release today.

And now for some astrology

Alex General Nuggets 0 Comments

Alex, I don’t think you should be writing a blog post about something that’s so scientifically illogical. How on earth can the movements of the planets and the stars have any impact on you? What’s that? You’re gonna write one anyway… I see, well good luck.

Quite simply, celestial objects don’t have an impact, but it’s still interesting to read!

Ah astrology, my favourite part of the newspaper, well, it would be, if I actually read newspapers… I only look at them for London stock exchange, which I can get on my phone anyway. At some point in our lives, we’ve all probably read our horoscope and probably either had the “wow that’s really accurate” or “pfft, what a load of rubbish” reaction. I used to have a daily horoscope app on my phone and sometimes, they’d hold some water

So what does?

Most probably, from a logical standpoint, it’s your actions. I’ve never really been one to believe in birthrights. Everything I’ve done is achieved from hard work.

I’m a Gemini

It was about this time two years ago, that I met a girl at a party, who I totally didn’t write a blog post about. She seemed to have some vague interest of this. I know this because she’d looked up my star sign and gone through a list of traits that I was supposed to have. Out of the eleven questions, I answered eight that matched the general personality traits of a Gemini. This included my preference to skim through topics, erratic behaviour and my natural charm that exists. A spooky coincidence eh? Anyway, according to the zodiac, it’s pretty much the worst star sign because we’re inconsistent, superficial and pretty darn turbulent in the mood department.

Probably the best analogy for this is Jekyll and Hyde

Because you never really know which one is going to show up. I’ll let you think about that for a minute.

But like I always say, I’ll let you form your own opinion

Like I said at the beginning, I’m not particularly a fan of the idea that your star sign dictates who you are and what you are like. I’d say that’s more to do with the experiences more than anything else. But really, if something doesn’t agree with your opinion, then generally, you’ll ‘poo poo‘ it.

 

Welcome To The Tetraspace

Alex The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

The tetraspace? You know Alex, you can’t just shove the word ‘tetra’ in front of something and expect it to become a thing! You’re not even listening to me, are you?

Shhh you, let me welcome everyone back!

Hello everyone and welcome back to Tetracious Frustration. It’s been a while since my post in January, where I wrote about leaving the past behind me. Shortly after this, I went skiing and met some delightful people from Ireland. Whilst there, I spent €50 on some raw beef, a coke and a double espresso in the notoriously expensive, Courchevel. Surprisingly, I also did a hell of a lot of skiing and fed various nuggets of information, by powers who were significantly wiser than myself. Well, I say much wiser, they did try to get me to chat up this French waitress. I mean don’t get me wrong, she was very attractive, but she wasn’t what I really needed that night. Anyway, as fascinatring as this sounds, allow me to get underway with today’s post.

What is the Tetraspace?

It’s my bedroom. Yes, that is how I refer to it on, a day-to-day context, when I’m inviting strange women back from the closed down nightclub of Grinstead. Lame joking aside, of course, it’s a place that’s changed a lot from the desk, bed, laptop and whiteboard setup from my days of sixth-form.

It basically looks like this

TINYPLANET_PANO_20170305_162129_1488731083963.jpg

Allow me to assure you, it is a rarity to see my room quite so tidy. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll know that I like to keep everything in a state of ‘organised chaos’. That is to say, I know where everything is, but it’s still pretty messy. I should’ve probably put a motion sickness disclaimer on this post because that picture is just a little bit trippy. One thing that usually surprises people about the Tetraspace, is the fact that it has no desk, instead, I have a 43-inch telly with a three seater orange beanbag. I also considered getting rid of my bed and replacing it with a few pillows on the floor. While this would free up a lot of space, I decided against it simply because I just couldn’t justify it.

Features:

  • Mood lighting (voice activated controlled by Philips hue)
  • A printer (prints from anywhere in the world)
  • An orange bean bag (has seen far too many things in its lifetime)
  • A humidifier (to ensure that the air is always moist)
  • A PS4 (the only console worth buying at the moment, sorry Nintendo fans!)
  • Renfuku (she’s my small but powerful Mini ATX build computer)
  • Retro-gaming lighting (Tetris and Pac-Man lights)
  • Speakers (I need a new cable for these)
  • Lots of books (Mostly psychological thrillers)
  • A rather large amount of storage (Rumour dictates that you could enter the wardrobe and lose all perspective of time and space)
  • A digital piano (that I’m still learning how to play)
  • A bin (which really needs a clean)
  • A shrine (purely for meditation purposes)
  • Penguin shelf (I like penguins, go figure)
  • Amazing views of my road (and garage)
  • And finally, a bed (which is where I store all my alcohol)

What inspired you to make your room like this?

It’s hard to say. I’ve always enjoyed rearranging my room and having my own space which I can dictate. It started off in June when I wanted to optimise the amount of space I had in the room and then I had the idea of turning the room into a man cave. I only started making massive changes in July and from there everything kind of just happened. I am pleased to say, that I’m pretty much done with this now. Maybe, I’ll repaint it a bit, but as for terms of style and tetraciousness, it’s pretty cool right?

Wrap Up

The Tetraspace is pretty much my version of a man cave, where I could practically spend most of my time in if I so wished. It has a futuristic, modern and generally hipster mood to it, but most importantly, it’s functional as well as aesthetically pleasing. Who knows, maybe it’ll give you some inspiration for your own room? Either way, I’ll finish this post off with some shots of the Tetraspace.

It’s Gonna Be A Tetra Year!

Alex General Nuggets 6 Comments

2016 was a year where I predicted Brexit, predicted the election of Trump, won money on a horse, bought a Pixel, learnt Go, solved numerous tsumego puzzles, swore at hills in Exmoor and developed an amazing credit score.

It’s a year I will forget

So while I’m sure it would be lovely to review it, that year is done, that was then this is now and I’ve never felt more alive.

This is now!

Welcome to the new Tetracious Frustration. I’ve never really been one of those ‘new year, new me’ people (and I assure you I am not) but let’s face it, my dusty old notebook design needed a rework. It needed a good old clean as well, my file structures were filthy. 

What’s coming up this year?

Let’s see, it’s pretty packed this year. I’ve got more DofE stuff, I’m establishing the Tetranet, work is coming along nicely and the fog of my mind is clearing. Of course there’s going to be plenty of blog posts and exciting content.

The Ramblings Of A Mad Dan

That’s right, Dan has decided that this year he wants to start a diary. So if the diary of a second year computing student sounds like something you would be interested click here! You can also access it through going through the Tetranet. 

So what is the Tetranet?

A collection of blogs and authors who will be producing content for Tetracious Frustration itself or for it’s child blogs. The Ramblings Of A Mad Dan is the first of these but this will grow as the year goes on. If you’re interested in joining the Tetranet or writing a guest post then feel free to contact me. 

Anything else we should know about?

I got screwdrivers from the person who gifted me for the reddit secret Santa, so I guess I’m gonna be fixing a lot of things this year! Oh, also you should probably check out the new about page. New and old readers will probably appreciate that. But let me tell you now 2017 is certainly going to be a cracking year!

And Where The Hell Have You Been?

Alex General Nuggets, The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

Hi there… It’s been a while huh? I suppose you want an explanation as to where I have been for these past months. No unfortunately I have not been sunning myself on a nice beach in Bali, nor have I been relaxing in the hot springs in Iceland. Seriously, though, I could really do with a break from my life. I think that’s probably why I enjoy camping so much. Because I can go completely off-grid for a week and forget about everything. A clear and empty mind, which fills up pretty quickly with junk the minute that I get home. 

But these are exciting times for me

I’ve always liked change. Most people I know absolutely hate it, but I guess that is to be expected really. My attitudes are changing to allow me to be a much more tolerant person. I guess I’ve always been tolerant, I mean I do accept a lot of things. I do choose to shrug my shoulders at a lot of things people are quick to judge on. 

There are probably some people who just read that and said “really?”

And to which I shall respond, “if you don’t want to, then you don’t have to believe me.” Because that’s really what tolerance is. 

2016 has been tough though

But it has been very rewarding. Sure it’s changed my perspective on many things. And financially it has been very good, even though I did spend a small fortune on the new Google phone and £150 on colour changing lightbulbs…

Oh so tough on you Alex…

Okay it really hasn’t been all that bad, I’ve just been distracted by a few things. I guess in the grand scheme of things. 

But that’s enough about this year’s review, that’s still to come

That’s gonna be a real Christmas cracker. Facebook always does a rubbish job at that. What I post here is much more detailed. 

So where have I been?

I’ve been at work, I’ve been at home, I’ve been in London. Nothing special. I just took an extremely long hiatus without any warning. I did give blood for the sixth time last month, so that was pretty good. I dunno why, but I always leave the donation hall in an extremely elated mood. I am assured that skipping is certainly a very manly thing to do. I’m not so sure I agree. And then of course I am in the middle of writing an autobiography at the moment, which I keep ripping up and starting from scratch on. 

But that’s just the way it is 

So I’ll get some new content to you pretty soon.  Ta rah!

The llama riddle

Alex Extreme Scoffery, General Nuggets, Get You Thinking, Made You Think, The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

So it’s been three years since the giraffe riddle. You know the one which resulted in you having to put a picture of a giraffe as your profile picture when you inevitability got the wrong answer because of how ridiculously stupid it is (that is what I assume anyway). Well guess what, it’s back with a twist. It has the same answer but requires you instead to put a picture of a llama as your profile picture after your miserable failure.

The Riddle Goes Like This:

It is 3 in the morning, you’re sleeping and you hear the doorbell. It’s your parents who show up for a surprise visit for breakfast. You’ve got the strawberry jam, honey, bread and cheese.
What do you open first?

Yes I am going to reveal the answer in this post

So don’t complain when I reveal the answer later on. If you want to figure it out for yourself, then come back to this post when you want to know the answer. Right, let’s get into this shall we?

You immediately think about opening one of the food items

That’s right, you’ll probably think about how to make your lovely parents, who have quite gone clubbing in poison ivy in East Grinstead (or as I call it, grab a granny), some form of sandwich for breakfast. 

But the answer you seek does not reside within the question

But this is not a multiple choice question. In fact it’s an open-ended question that’s designed to look like a multiple choice question to throw you off. 

So think outside the box

Think propulsion from .45 calliper pistols on the moon rather than shooting yourself in the head. Anyone else have to do that team building exercise? No just me, good. Let’s move on. 

And finally establish that you don’t open the cheese or the bread or the ham nor the jam

Finally, that took you long enough to figure out. So you’ll think” hmm where would I put these food items, oh I know I’ve put them in the fridge!”

And then I’ll want to smack you because you don’t put bread in the fridge…

Seriously, You realise that if you put bread in the fridge that it stales at a quicker rate right? That’s almost as ludicrous as that girl I met on NCS who drank her tea with eight teaspoons of sugar and decided that biscuits belong in the fridge. 

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

That’s the real question here. Of course that’s pretty subjective in itself isn’t it really? 

Woah okay that’s way too much information…

I did not need to know about how you pleasure yourself in the mornings or whatever you do with your significant other either… This is supposed to be family friendly for goodness sake.

When are you going to open your eyes?

Because that’s the answer here. I’m sorry! It was taking you far too long and I’m impatient

That’s a rubbish riddle Alex

I know it is, that’s why I wrote a post about it, I didn’t make it up, this is a real thing. I mean I think I’ve really highlighted how daft this riddle in it’s entirety truly is. I mean how do I even know it’s my parents at the door? 

Actually I thought about that one

Of course if you know it’s your parents, you must be able to hear them seeing as you don’t have a sensor that tells you when your parents are nearby. That means the door doesn’t necessarily need to be opened because they could be in your room, or it could mean that you need to open the door afterwards. That’s the only logical explanation that makes the most widely accepted answer (the eyes) work. Well that is unless you want to do everything wth your eyes shut.

So now I’ve made you feel like a complete and utter llama, go ahead and make your profile picture one. Or don’t of course. I mean you could always just pretend you never read this and look like a snartass when all your other friends suddenly transform into llamas?

The activation

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

You want answers to your questions. This world will not offer you those answers, that is not its purpose. Perhaps the answers you seek do not exist, perhaps to assume all ‘fact’ exists is stupid when its interpretation exists in so many forms. The form of the library knows resolution, the form of the library is pure. The form of the library possesses incorruptible patience, you are just a model, a missing piece of puzzle, but not an important one. 

For days now I had been walking through the desert. In the beginning, the searing sand had scorched my feet, but now, I was used to it. My mouth was drier than the dust of Mars, my entire body begged for water, but still I continued. I was determined, I was resilient. There was just one ‘problem’ with me, I never gave up. Most people would have stopped trying, most people would’ve given in to the will of desert, where they would be scavenged by vultures. I would see this through despite my thirst, despite my hunger, despite the situation’s futility. I would be damned to give up now! 

The crow cawwed, it knew me, it understood me. It wanted to nurture me, it had always had my back for it loved me, it cared for me even if I did not show the same compassion towards it. Perhaps in another life I would share it’s compassion, I would warm to its affection, but unfortunately I would not allow myself to do that. I tried to remember the first time I was aware of it, it made me think about someone. It reminded me of the lunch I spent with them and how I explained the glory that is a coronation chicken sandwich. The person who I had dreamed about, who I want to share everything with. The fourth model was deactivating leaving a fifth model. I thought about my family and how close I felt to them, I thought about my grandmother. I thought about my friends and how I nearly deserted them.i thought about how the only thing I think I’m good at is my job. I thought about you, the real you, the you I had got to know, the you who I have spent many days and nights with. The you who beams, the you who teases me. 

But I have learnt nothing, perhaps I never will. That doesn’t matter, I’ll live. I just have to keep going, that’s all that anyone can do. I respect that. 

Five Things Not To Take On Your Gold DofE Expedition

Alex The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

After a slaughterous week of walking, which resulted me spending my entire Saturday in bed reeling in pain, I’m back to tell you exactly just how much of a muppet I have been. 

1) Tins

No really, don’t take tins! Sure they keep well, but add three or four and you’re adding at least a kilo to the mass of your pack. If you’re a normal person (meaning that you’ve done bronze and silver before gold and are not going directly into the gold stream like myself) you probably know that tins are a no no. Stick to ration packs! 

2) A Massive Washkit

Sure you might have put small soaps and wet wipes in your bag, but that’s no good if your washkit is a big bulky bag. You should really focus on reducing bulk so you have more space. Obvious really isn’t it?

3) Cake

Trust me you’ll end up eating the whole thing on its own on day 3 and people will think you’re a pig. Plus it will get squashed! Although saying that if you put it in the top pocket of your coat, it shouldn’t pose too much of an issue for you. I mean it’s not heavy. 

4) Matches

This is something that might surprise you considering that it’s probably something on your kit list. It is a waste of time bringing them though if you’re going to ask the guy with a Zippo lighter in his pocket to light the trangia. So yes, don’t bother with the matches, just ask Alex for his lighter. 

5) Only One Pair Of Socks

Thankfully no one did this, but if you’re planning to make do with only one singular pair of walking sock, all I can say to you is good luck, you’re not going to have any feet by the end of it. I brought a new pair of socks for each day and if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have made it past day 2! 

So there we have it, a list of things not to take. Now I must say a lot of this really is common sense, but may this serve as a helpful reminder! Another general tip, of your pack has a mass of 25kg, then you’ve definitely done something wrong. Remember, don’t be a numpty, do your research! 

I Am Displeased

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

So to say that I’m in a bit of a mood would be an understatement. I’m absolutely fuming! Why am I absolutely fuming? People that’s why. I suspected what you wanted and my suspicions were correct. I’m not the bearer of justice, I’m not going to tell you what’s right or wrong because it’s not my job to judge. Something that I will say is that it’s really not okay and can’t continue. I know exactly what your game is and you’ve proved the fifteenth rule of an old theory. 

Sure you’re a sociopath, that’s fine I can live with that, maybe you think I am one to. But truthfully when a situation like this is occurring, I think it’s time to realise that you’ve done enough damage. It’s time to move forward. It is no longer 2015. Yeah sure you want to have your cake and eat it, but if there’s all this imbalance (which I assure you there is because I’ve witnessed it) then all of this you are doing has to stop. 

I will leave it at that. 

Things You’ll Understand If You Have High Mental Agility

Alex Get You Thinking 0 Comments

So today pretty much evaporated for me, but one thing I did notice is how slow some people can be. 

Everyone thinks it’s fine to walk 5 times slower than you

What’s wrong with walking at one mile an hour? absolutely nothing if there’s space to get round you, but if you’re going to trundle through the streets of London at the pace of Samuel The Snail and block the pavement, then you seriously need to revaluate your life choices. Sure you’re fuelled on caffeine and exhausted because little Johnny woke you up at midnight because he wanted his milk, but that doesn’t entitle you to walk like a zombie. 

Yes I walk at five miles per hour 

That’s just over eighth kilometres per hour if you’re on metric speeds. Which is classed as two miles per hour faster than the average walking pace. 

Then you get some mouthy baboon who says “calm down mate”

Oh I assure you mr. chav in a suit I am calm, if I wasn’t, I would have probably opened my mouth and told you to walk quicker. 

You’ll hate stations because everyone just gets in your way!

The platforms are barely wide enough anyway! Your frustration to get through this wall of commuters will lead you to have the strong desire to push people out of the way, fortunately you have some restraint because otherwise they’d end up on the rails. 

People will look at you as if you’re in a hurry

Despite the fact that this is your normal walking speed and people should really be walking at either your pace or faster. 

You may become irritated because no one gets your references

What do you mean you’ve never heard of the dead parrot sketch? It even makes an appearance in the much loved film about a boy who loved maths more commonly known as X+Y. 

You’ll have to explain everything because people don’t understand terminology that you use on a day to day basis

Not that you mind it, you take great pride in doing it actually!

Everything is very slow to you

Although you probably should take it slower especially when you decided to pull out in front of that car during your test, paying mind that was the only serious fault you received and if you’d waited ten more microseconds you would’ve been fine.

You’re hella decisive

Most people mull over things and you go “Yeah let’s try this!

You’ve planned pretty much everything

People think you do far too much planning, but if you didn’t, you would’ve found that you’d have been driven to madness. 

And while most people are struggling to rotate the function of y=√5+sin(2πx) 2π radians around the X axis, you’re working on your own theory of everything

No matter how hard you try though, you’re never going to be satisfied with it so you might as well bin it now before it takes up half of your life.

You’ll achieve a lot…

Or maybe you won’t. I don’t know. Depends what you class as a lot.

But you’ll get disappointed easily

Because your thoughts and expectations are higher than most people, because you think so quickly. You’ll see that people have potential and when they don’t fill your expectations, you’ll give up with them. 

You’ll feel isolated 

And for good reasons too. Because no one quite thinks like you and that can be rather distressing to know sometimes. 

But you know people

So you give them another chance to prove themselves!

You’ll become very obsessed with doing things your way

Obviously!

And people seem to like that about you

Again obviously!

You’re at risk of becoming corrupt

After all, you’ll remember from the political satire that you watched (involving tonnes of swearing) that the evil have an extremely high work ethic. 

But good and evil aren’t concepts that exist in your book. 

You’re less morally squeamish than most people and your decisiveness means you won’t regret your decisions, which may lead to the belief that you’re a cold, uncompassionate and uncaring person. 

But you’re not, you’re amazing! 

Providing you take yourself seriously that is!

15GB is truly a monster amount of mobile data

Alex Technology, The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

What would you do with 15GB of mobile data? I mean it’s a ludicrous amount but considering I’m spending £15 on my phone a month (and with my new phone arriving soon), I thought I might as well upgrade to 15GB which has left me with the dilemma of how on earth do I use all of this? 

The first gigabyte

Easily used used up through a combination of Tethering, Skype, Snapchat and Facebook Messenger. Downloaded a few important email attachments, but I realised that I’d need to increase my usage to get the most out of it. 

And so I took it into overdrive 

That’s right, I streamed music on Spotify instead of using offline mode, I stopped using the public WiFi of GWR (It was rubbish anyway) relying on only that of a data connection. I read a few articles on hypermiling, I watched videos for various reasons. I even hosted my own Pokémon Go event (even though I despise it) and have I still used it up? No I’ve barely used 1/4 of my allowance! 

So I have 15GB of data how do I use it?

In a world where we are required to be constantly connected (well at least feel required) you may well find yourself with never enough data, but in event of having 15GB you may become stumped as to what to use it for. So here’s a handy list, although I will point out I don’t use my phone for many of these! 

  • Streaming music.
  • Streaming video.
  • iPlayer.
  • A portable hotspot.
  • If you have a special router use it for that (trust me this will soon use it up)
  • Remote access from your phone to your desktop.
  • Messaging and social media (i should probably point out that also covers blogging too)
  • Downloading apps
  • Googling everything!
  • Agar.io
  • Read Tetracious Frustration

Wrapping up

Hopefully if you’ve bought a 15GB plan (or more) you know exactly how to use it effectively. If you were stuck for ideas though I hope this gave you a few ideas on how you can make the most of your plan. 

I forgot again

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

What a bizarre dream I just had. Do I think that any of my old IT teachers from Sackville would know anything about SAS code? Of they wouldn’t, I could’ve taught them most of the course!

Anyway I’m going to Wakehurst because it’s Sunday. Ta rah!

I forgot again

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

What a bizarre dream I just had. Do I think that any of my old IT teachers from Sackville would know anything about SAS code? Of they wouldn’t, I could’ve taught them most of the course!

Anyway I’m going to Wakehurst because it’s Sunday. Ta rah!

Well It’s Friday, Have Some Stuff

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

Blimey someone’s had their weetabix this morning. The train driver drove completly past platform 1b and decided to stop at platform 1a. “That’s so rivetting Alex,” I hear you say. I most certainly have not had my weetabix today; I’ve managed to rub wax into my eyebrow and not my hair. I could go get it cut, but then it’d be ridiculously thin and where’s the fun in that? 

This week I’ve been listening to the album space cadet by Nigel Good and I must say it’s pretty delightful. I especially enjoy the third track called An adventure  which I’m sure is something that I am driving everyone insane with at the moment. I hum it to myself quite a bit. I’ll probably be whistling it next week to calm myself down. 

In other news, I’m out of lemons and as a result, I seem to be disorientated. It’s probably nothing, but I’m going to the doctors next Wednesday where he’ll probably say that I need to drink more water (which I have been) or eat more food (despite the fact that I can eat most people out of house and home already) or moan at me because I haven’t given blood in a while and I have too much iron in my system. Well either those things or he’ll say that I have some sort of mental illness (just what I need to be diagnosed with before my practise expedition). Lame joking aside though, I feel fine, just a bit lighter in the head. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have much to think about. 

Anyway I think I’ll wrap this one up here. This is Alex signing off for the weekend. Enjoy yourselves!

The Book 

Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

I walked into the library, I demanded answers to my questions. Library Alex just sat there quietly reading his book, a red coloured hard back titled “Tetracious Theory”. At first he ignored me, then his eyes darted to mine and back to his book in one swift movement. I heard the caw of a crow, it gently glided down to perch on his shoulder. He stroked the underside of its beak, which seemed to delight the bird. I stood there, staring at him cruelly and coldly. Just who did he think he was? A smug grin crept over his face, my patience was running thin, I was itchy and irritable at the lack of answers. 

Library Alex now stared at me, the smirk covered his face as he continued to scratch the underside of the crow’s beak. Confidence oozing from every part of his body, the fire of his eyes burning brightly, his determination which never ceased. He was not weary, understandably, he’d never lost a game of chess. At last he spoke, well if you could call telepathy speech.”Catch,” he said and with that he tossed the red book towards me. It was deceptively heavy despite its A6 size and although I could hold it fine in my right hand, I understood that weedier people would not be able to do the same. As I opened the book I was horrified to discover that all the pages were blank, completely clean and white as a sheet. As I looked closer I thought I saw something move in the page. The crow came to sit on my shoulder and read the book as if there were words there, still I saw nothing. As I began to stare and look closer I began to see letters appear, then words and then sentences. They all read the same “You’ve learned nothing yet!” I ripped out the pages, chucked them and the cover all over the floor, I stamped on it and threw a tantrum. “just like a child, thankfully I have more”. His whole manner was irritating, but perhaps that was the point, because people who knew all the answers and never shared them actually really irritate people. It’s human nature, I guess. I am just an observer where my observations, my sensations and judgements mean nothing. Significance is independent to each observer. 

“You have much to learn Wornast. You have experienced many things, you have sampled many different flavours of pie, freedom and variety is what you seek, ethical use of power is something you must learn. You want answers? You can’t have them I’m afraid. First a lesson must be taught.” And with a snap of his fingers there I was, in the desolate desert with the sun beating down on me. I had to remained determined this was a test and I could not give up. The crow let out a cackling caw and I (yet again) was forced to trudge the desert in the boiling hot sun, but I guess that’s the way it works. Whatever is soft must become hard, that was just the way and that is how it should be. Pfft, that was rich, since when had shoulds got me anywhere. I guess the only way to find out is to play the game, so it is that I shall play and play that I shall!

Chapter 3 : The Phone Call

Alex The Tea, The Nerd And The Raine 0 Comments

I always knew my hour would come to an end, it was inevitable. I had about twenty sites worldwide that all relied on that one satellite. Of course I had backup plans, I had them in excess, in fact I’d created a whole booklet full of troubleshooting steps and in eventuality of this happening, I’d no longer be able to live a normal life again. Don’t get me wrong, my life has never really been classified by anyone as normal, far from it in fact, but I guess that is what happens. I could be the most dangerous and destructive weapon on the planet. 

“Hi Nick, I’ll get down to business because I assume you know what this is about.”

“Right it’s about Fernukia.” 

“Yes, X192563927 to be precise! So as you’ve probably guessed NASA, ESA and Russia have gone absolutely ballistic about it.”

“No one uses that number, remember we’re a top secret organisation.”

“Yes we’re a top secret organisation who’s about to be exposed, remind me what we’re doing again by the way?”

“Do I have to remind you of the contract you signed, in event of exposure you’ll undergo a memory wipe, it’s not your problem it’s mine!” 

“Well I’m head of operations Nick, you put me in charge remember? What do you want me to do?”

“We’re in emergency operations, for goodness sake, you run the emergency procedures. That’s mass shutdown, the only place that should be in operation is firma.” 

“Complete shutdown, keep site one alive, roger that.”

I put the phone down and mopped the sweat from my brow. I looked at Lucas and Mark. “We’re issuing a stage seven shutdown, to protect you, your knowledge of everything about this project will be wiped. I am not expecting that you will be questioned, but as precaution, this must be taken. You may also experience fogginess and false memories. Please go home, I will take it from and thank you for your efforts.” 

******************

A level seven shutdown was the last resort, Nick suspected it would happen at some point. No one really knew what all these facilities were for apart from Nick. Nick was developing a secret weapon, Nick wanted to control chaos. Chaos had always fascinated him, so he created it. He found the more you thought about something, the more entangled with, what he called “chaotic energy”, that something became. Chaos is a ridiculously powerful tool, but becomes harder to control. It’s like trying to tell a six year old not to press a big red button, it always won and if you shouted at it, chaos would proceed to throw a tantrum and smash up all your stuff. 

Eventually Nick decided to start working with chaos rather than against it. This lead him nearly to the point of insanity, which left him jittery but sleep deprived. If he’d continued, chaos would have possessed him, but as he’d observed, chaos was entangled with everything, which made Nick wonder, if everybody observes chaos, then perhaps each observer could experience different levels of chaos. A chaos quotient perhaps. In his theory Nick stated the following “each and every observer is influenced by chaos, but the level of chaos that each observer experiences is not equal. Each observer could therefore be described as a ‘chaotic entity’, but a ‘chaotic entity’ need not necessarily be an observer”

Nick didn’t really know what he’d achieve by controlling chaos, but he hoped that it would leave him alone, because he could never view anything in its simplest form. Everywhere Nick went he saw unrationlised fractions. Nick loved complexity, but at the same time, he wanted simplicity in all thingd. Alas chaos had foiled his plans “damn chaos” he thought “damn it indeed”

The First Days Of October

Alex The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

Because I forgot to write anything this weekend have a list of things that I did this weekend instead:

  • Played Minecraft.
  • Ran 20km.
  • Bumped into an old friend from sixth form.
  • Meditated.
  • Burnt candles.
  • Bought more candles.
  • Went on a first aid course.
  • Went to bed ridiculously early.
  • Had porridge with blueberries.
  • Drove around Tunbridge Wells for practise.
  • Completed some stuff
  • Messed around with Java because it didn’t work correctly.
  • Did some more calculations.
  • Remembered.
  • Found a pair of Dr. Marten’s that one of my ex’s bought me.
  • Fixed the remote desktop connection on Renfuku.
  • Cleaned Renfuku.
  • Continued reading last to die, which I really should have finished by now. I’m reading this one ridiculously slowly…
  • Reviewed my plans for Halloween, which is something I don’t even celebrate.
  • Sorted out travel plans for this week.
  • Did the three S’.
  • Read some of my old diaries and mind dumps.
  • Messed around with the Key because paperless train tickets. 
  • Decided that it would be a great idea to read every tweet on my Twitter account and it really was. All 4,199 of them.
  • Reflected on everything I’ve done these past three and a half years.

      Anyway I’m off to get my free tube travel and coffee. Blimey that’s awfully first model of me coffee…

      The most pointless things that are in my house

      Alex General Nuggets, The Weird, Wired and Wacky World Of Alex Wornast 0 Comments

      So I was looking around my house the other day and there are loads of things that we have scattered around the house for the purpose of ‘novelty’ and there’s quite a lot of things that have caused us all to say “oh for goodness sake, why have you bought that?” There’s also a lot of things that we’re keeping as well for some reason. So without further ado, here’s the list 

      A Soft Close Toilet Seat

      Now my upstairs bathroom is very fancy (or so people tell me anyway because of the bidet) but the latest addition dad decided to add was a Soft close toilet seat. I’m sure now I’ve mentioned this, everyone will be playing with it. Basically the soft close aspect means that it doesn’t make a loud clunk noise when you suddenly let go of it. I’m fairly sure no one does that. Well you’d have to be a special kind of special at least to do that…

      A Defuser 

      Something that my mother apparently bought for cooking. I think I’ve ever seen her use it once or twice. 

      A Trouser Press

      I’ve never really seen the point of this. I just pressed the buttons on it when I was younger and thought that it was the most amazing toy in existence. Again this has never been used and I don’t quite understand what It’s for apart from maybe keeping trousers warm and uncreased? 

      A Zenstone MP4 player created by Creative

      Literally has no use now that smartphones exist. 

      Photo Albums From My Childhood

      Sure okay it’s bizarre because in all the pictures of when I was young boy, I had blonde hair. But there’s not really any point in keeping these. Foolishly I have left them in the clutches of my parents, so I’m sure that will haunt me some day.

      My Baby Teeth

      Yes I still have all my baby teeth. I’m not sure why I’m keeping them really if i’m honest. I find them to be pretty cool. Still as prestine clean as when they first fell out. 

      Tapes From My Childhood

      Yes we still have a tape player actually. Why I would want to listen to myself when I was ridiculously young (we’re talking 7) is another question though so my mother’s keeping these for some reason.

      An Old Printer That Doesn’t Work

      Yes I was meant to smash this up for circuit boards for my new feature wall which would go where the train tickets on my wall are, but i never got round to that so it’s just chilling in my wardrobe. 

      A Fireguard That Can’t Be Used When The Fire Is On

      Yes my parents decided to buy a fireguard with acrylic candle holders. This means that when the gas fire is on, these holders will crack which means that it’s guarding you from an unlit fire. Hmm I’m not quite sure who the smart guy or gal who came up with that idea was, but seriously well done there! 

      Jewellery Given To Me From My First Girlfriend

      Sure it was significant when we were going out, but it holds no significance now. Sure I still wear it sometimes, but not very often. It’s just something to observe 

      Results From My Sunspot Study

      The one I did all the work for, but never finished. In year 10 Steve (Mr. Bush) wondered if I would like an extension to that of my GCSE in astronomy. Naturally I said “Of course” because I was (and secretly still am) into astronomy. Some nights I sneak outside just to stare at the stars and evaluate everything. It talks some sense into me sometimes. Of course the results are interesting to look at, but they are a constant reminder to how I never finished that piece of work. Although maybe it would have helped if I still felt as passionately as I used to about astrophysics.   

      A Broken Eiffel Tower

      This one is a funny one, well not funny in a sense that it is humorous, rather funny because it is bizarre for me to keep it. Of course I didn’t buy a broken Eiffel tower, that would be ridiculous, no what actually happened is that I trod on it and rather than fixing it with super glue (which is what I usually do) I just left it how it was and kept it in the same place. I mean you’d chuck that away wouldn’t you?

      So there we have it, these are all the pointless things that I found in my house. What are of yours? Leave a comment and tell me what you find

      Numbers And Figures

      Alex Uncategorised 0 Comments

      Let’s run some calculations, let’s plug in some numbers and see what comes up. Seventy-five chickens twenty ate cows how many didn’t? Not everything is supposed to be methodical, not everything is supposed to be logical. Perhaps I’m a fool for trying to explain the unexplainable. Every model has had a system, a method. The first model was the greatest of these models, the most powerful, the most intelligent, but while he loved chaos, his world was methodical, extremely methodical and it worked. As I look at the person I used to be, I wonder what happened to him. What was the plan in all of this? What broke the first model, what forced me to become like this? I thought I was better than this, but I’m obviously not. 

      What’s my problem? If I could tell you I would, but the problem lies below the surface of ny mind in the subconscious where a version of myself sits in a library reading books. He’s constantly observing. Maybe I should’ve explained this, maybe I should have told you this, but you wouldn’t care, so there’s no point. You’d simply shrug and say that’s interesting, it’s what most people would do I guess, because what else would people say? Most people wouldn’t split parts of their life to be completely different people, but unfortunately I cannot deny that I have been four completely different people, the difference between all of these are the ideologies. Perhaps it’s time I asked what is the question. Maybe the answer will only reveal itself once it has occurred.

      The question is though how many questions must a man answer before he can ask the one question that he needs ask to find his answer. I reckon it’s an awful lot. I’ve been searching for an answer for a very long time. Perhaps the answer has been found but will not surface, who knows, who cares. Perhaps I shouldn’t. Maybe you don’t trust the library Alex. Maybe he is evil, but if that’s the cass, that’s what you’re going to end up like. You can’t fight it, well you can but you won’t win, after all this is only a crack in the castle of glass. You can’t see it, but I guess it is significant because many cracks would cause a shattering. Stop the cracks and you can stop the castle and by extension, the kingdom. 

      Take out the Queen and you effectively remove most threats disable, the castles and you effectively disable the board. Take out the dominance and nothing really fights, nothing really bites back, nothing will ever scare you. Without feeling scared, you feel safe and who wants to feel safe? There is no safety, only the illusion. Little risk DOES NOT mean no risk. IT ALWAYS EXISTS. Maybe you don’t operate a cause to effect system, maybe that’s not the way you operate. I’m not saying you should, but it may be useful of course. 

      So how do I end this? I could continue to waffle on till eternity and let my mind dump words on a page as if it were a landfill site. But I shan’t, I shouldn’t at least. It’s not a good idea. Perhaps this post was not a good idea, but it’s better than nothing. It will serve its purpose and that my dear friend is ever so satisfactory. 

      Oh and one more thing. Keep going won’t you? Remember, this is what you do!