The llama riddle

So it’s been three years since the giraffe riddle. You know the one which resulted in you having to put a picture of a giraffe as your profile picture when you inevitability got the wrong answer because of how ridiculously stupid it is (that is what I assume anyway). Well guess what, it’s back with a twist. It has the same answer but requires you instead to put a picture of a llama as your profile picture after your miserable failure.

The Riddle Goes Like This:

It is 3 in the morning, you’re sleeping and you hear the doorbell. It’s your parents who show up for a surprise visit for breakfast. You’ve got the strawberry jam, honey, bread and cheese.
What do you open first?

Yes I am going to reveal the answer in this post

So don’t complain when I reveal the answer later on. If you want to figure it out for yourself, then come back to this post when you want to know the answer. Right, let’s get into this shall we?

You immediately think about opening one of the food items

That’s right, you’ll probably think about how to make your lovely parents, who have quite gone clubbing in poison ivy in East Grinstead (or as I call it, grab a granny), some form of sandwich for breakfast. 

But the answer you seek does not reside within the question

But this is not a multiple choice question. In fact it’s an open-ended question that’s designed to look like a multiple choice question to throw you off. 

So think outside the box

Think propulsion from .45 calliper pistols on the moon rather than shooting yourself in the head. Anyone else have to do that team building exercise? No just me, good. Let’s move on. 

And finally establish that you don’t open the cheese or the bread or the ham nor the jam

Finally, that took you long enough to figure out. So you’ll think” hmm where would I put these food items, oh I know I’ve put them in the fridge!”

And then I’ll want to smack you because you don’t put bread in the fridge…

Seriously, You realise that if you put bread in the fridge that it stales at a quicker rate right? That’s almost as ludicrous as that girl I met on NCS who drank her tea with eight teaspoons of sugar and decided that biscuits belong in the fridge. 

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

That’s the real question here. Of course that’s pretty subjective in itself isn’t it really? 

Woah okay that’s way too much information…

I did not need to know about how you pleasure yourself in the mornings or whatever you do with your significant other either… This is supposed to be family friendly for goodness sake.

When are you going to open your eyes?

Because that’s the answer here. I’m sorry! It was taking you far too long and I’m impatient

That’s a rubbish riddle Alex

I know it is, that’s why I wrote a post about it, I didn’t make it up, this is a real thing. I mean I think I’ve really highlighted how daft this riddle in it’s entirety truly is. I mean how do I even know it’s my parents at the door? 

Actually I thought about that one

Of course if you know it’s your parents, you must be able to hear them seeing as you don’t have a sensor that tells you when your parents are nearby. That means the door doesn’t necessarily need to be opened because they could be in your room, or it could mean that you need to open the door afterwards. That’s the only logical explanation that makes the most widely accepted answer (the eyes) work. Well that is unless you want to do everything wth your eyes shut.

So now I’ve made you feel like a complete and utter llama, go ahead and make your profile picture one. Or don’t of course. I mean you could always just pretend you never read this and look like a snartass when all your other friends suddenly transform into llamas?

The activation

You want answers to your questions. This world will not offer you those answers, that is not its purpose. Perhaps the answers you seek do not exist, perhaps to assume all ‘fact’ exists is stupid when its interpretation exists in so many forms. The form of the library knows resolution, the form of the library is pure. The form of the library possesses incorruptible patience, you are just a model, a missing piece of puzzle, but not an important one. 

For days now I had been walking through the desert. In the beginning, the searing sand had scorched my feet, but now, I was used to it. My mouth was drier than the dust of Mars, my entire body begged for water, but still I continued. I was determined, I was resilient. There was just one ‘problem’ with me, I never gave up. Most people would have stopped trying, most people would’ve given in to the will of desert, where they would be scavenged by vultures. I would see this through despite my thirst, despite my hunger, despite the situation’s futility. I would be damned to give up now! 

The crow cawwed, it knew me, it understood me. It wanted to nurture me, it had always had my back for it loved me, it cared for me even if I did not show the same compassion towards it. Perhaps in another life I would share it’s compassion, I would warm to its affection, but unfortunately I would not allow myself to do that. I tried to remember the first time I was aware of it, it made me think about someone. It reminded me of the lunch I spent with them and how I explained the glory that is a coronation chicken sandwich. The person who I had dreamed about, who I want to share everything with. The fourth model was deactivating leaving a fifth model. I thought about my family and how close I felt to them, I thought about my grandmother. I thought about my friends and how I nearly deserted them.i thought about how the only thing I think I’m good at is my job. I thought about you, the real you, the you I had got to know, the you who I have spent many days and nights with. The you who beams, the you who teases me. 

But I have learnt nothing, perhaps I never will. That doesn’t matter, I’ll live. I just have to keep going, that’s all that anyone can do. I respect that. 

Five Things Not To Take On Your Gold DofE Expedition

After a slaughterous week of walking, which resulted me spending my entire Saturday in bed reeling in pain, I’m back to tell you exactly just how much of a muppet I have been. 

1) Tins

No really, don’t take tins! Sure they keep well, but add three or four and you’re adding at least a kilo to the mass of your pack. If you’re a normal person (meaning that you’ve done bronze and silver before gold and are not going directly into the gold stream like myself) you probably know that tins are a no no. Stick to ration packs! 

2) A Massive Washkit

Sure you might have put small soaps and wet wipes in your bag, but that’s no good if your washkit is a big bulky bag. You should really focus on reducing bulk so you have more space. Obvious really isn’t it?

3) Cake

Trust me you’ll end up eating the whole thing on its own on day 3 and people will think you’re a pig. Plus it will get squashed! Although saying that if you put it in the top pocket of your coat, it shouldn’t pose too much of an issue for you. I mean it’s not heavy. 

4) Matches

This is something that might surprise you considering that it’s probably something on your kit list. It is a waste of time bringing them though if you’re going to ask the guy with a Zippo lighter in his pocket to light the trangia. So yes, don’t bother with the matches, just ask Alex for his lighter. 

5) Only One Pair Of Socks

Thankfully no one did this, but if you’re planning to make do with only one singular pair of walking sock, all I can say to you is good luck, you’re not going to have any feet by the end of it. I brought a new pair of socks for each day and if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have made it past day 2! 

So there we have it, a list of things not to take. Now I must say a lot of this really is common sense, but may this serve as a helpful reminder! Another general tip, of your pack has a mass of 25kg, then you’ve definitely done something wrong. Remember, don’t be a numpty, do your research! 

I Am Displeased

So to say that I’m in a bit of a mood would be an understatement. I’m absolutely fuming! Why am I absolutely fuming? People that’s why. I suspected what you wanted and my suspicions were correct. I’m not the bearer of justice, I’m not going to tell you what’s right or wrong because it’s not my job to judge. Something that I will say is that it’s really not okay and can’t continue. I know exactly what your game is and you’ve proved the fifteenth rule of an old theory. 

Sure you’re a sociopath, that’s fine I can live with that, maybe you think I am one to. But truthfully when a situation like this is occurring, I think it’s time to realise that you’ve done enough damage. It’s time to move forward. It is no longer 2015. Yeah sure you want to have your cake and eat it, but if there’s all this imbalance (which I assure you there is because I’ve witnessed it) then all of this you are doing has to stop. 

I will leave it at that. 

Things You’ll Understand If You Have High Mental Agility

So today pretty much evaporated for me, but one thing I did notice is how slow some people can be. 

Everyone thinks it’s fine to walk 5 times slower than you

What’s wrong with walking at one mile an hour? absolutely nothing if there’s space to get round you, but if you’re going to trundle through the streets of London at the pace of Samuel The Snail and block the pavement, then you seriously need to revaluate your life choices. Sure you’re fuelled on caffeine and exhausted because little Johnny woke you up at midnight because he wanted his milk, but that doesn’t entitle you to walk like a zombie. 

Yes I walk at five miles per hour 

That’s just over eighth kilometres per hour if you’re on metric speeds. Which is classed as two miles per hour faster than the average walking pace. 

Then you get some mouthy baboon who says “calm down mate”

Oh I assure you mr. chav in a suit I am calm, if I wasn’t, I would have probably opened my mouth and told you to walk quicker. 

You’ll hate stations because everyone just gets in your way!

The platforms are barely wide enough anyway! Your frustration to get through this wall of commuters will lead you to have the strong desire to push people out of the way, fortunately you have some restraint because otherwise they’d end up on the rails. 

People will look at you as if you’re in a hurry

Despite the fact that this is your normal walking speed and people should really be walking at either your pace or faster. 

You may become irritated because no one gets your references

What do you mean you’ve never heard of the dead parrot sketch? It even makes an appearance in the much loved film about a boy who loved maths more commonly known as X+Y. 

You’ll have to explain everything because people don’t understand terminology that you use on a day to day basis

Not that you mind it, you take great pride in doing it actually!

Everything is very slow to you

Although you probably should take it slower especially when you decided to pull out in front of that car during your test, paying mind that was the only serious fault you received and if you’d waited ten more microseconds you would’ve been fine.

You’re hella decisive

Most people mull over things and you go “Yeah let’s try this!

You’ve planned pretty much everything

People think you do far too much planning, but if you didn’t, you would’ve found that you’d have been driven to madness. 

And while most people are struggling to rotate the function of y=√5+sin(2πx) 2π radians around the X axis, you’re working on your own theory of everything

No matter how hard you try though, you’re never going to be satisfied with it so you might as well bin it now before it takes up half of your life.

You’ll achieve a lot…

Or maybe you won’t. I don’t know. Depends what you class as a lot.

But you’ll get disappointed easily

Because your thoughts and expectations are higher than most people, because you think so quickly. You’ll see that people have potential and when they don’t fill your expectations, you’ll give up with them. 

You’ll feel isolated 

And for good reasons too. Because no one quite thinks like you and that can be rather distressing to know sometimes. 

But you know people

So you give them another chance to prove themselves!

You’ll become very obsessed with doing things your way


And people seem to like that about you

Again obviously!

You’re at risk of becoming corrupt

After all, you’ll remember from the political satire that you watched (involving tonnes of swearing) that the evil have an extremely high work ethic. 

But good and evil aren’t concepts that exist in your book. 

You’re less morally squeamish than most people and your decisiveness means you won’t regret your decisions, which may lead to the belief that you’re a cold, uncompassionate and uncaring person. 

But you’re not, you’re amazing! 

Providing you take yourself seriously that is!

15GB is truly a monster amount of mobile data

What would you do with 15GB of mobile data? I mean it’s a ludicrous amount but considering I’m spending £15 on my phone a month (and with my new phone arriving soon), I thought I might as well upgrade to 15GB which has left me with the dilemma of how on earth do I use all of this? 

The first gigabyte

Easily used used up through a combination of Tethering, Skype, Snapchat and Facebook Messenger. Downloaded a few important email attachments, but I realised that I’d need to increase my usage to get the most out of it. 

And so I took it into overdrive 

That’s right, I streamed music on Spotify instead of using offline mode, I stopped using the public WiFi of GWR (It was rubbish anyway) relying on only that of a data connection. I read a few articles on hypermiling, I watched videos for various reasons. I even hosted my own Pokémon Go event (even though I despise it) and have I still used it up? No I’ve barely used 1/4 of my allowance! 

So I have 15GB of data how do I use it?

In a world where we are required to be constantly connected (well at least feel required) you may well find yourself with never enough data, but in event of having 15GB you may become stumped as to what to use it for. So here’s a handy list, although I will point out I don’t use my phone for many of these! 

  • Streaming music.
  • Streaming video.
  • iPlayer.
  • A portable hotspot.
  • If you have a special router use it for that (trust me this will soon use it up)
  • Remote access from your phone to your desktop.
  • Messaging and social media (i should probably point out that also covers blogging too)
  • Downloading apps
  • Googling everything!
  • Read Tetracious Frustration

Wrapping up

Hopefully if you’ve bought a 15GB plan (or more) you know exactly how to use it effectively. If you were stuck for ideas though I hope this gave you a few ideas on how you can make the most of your plan. 

I forgot again

What a bizarre dream I just had. Do I think that any of my old IT teachers from Sackville would know anything about SAS code? Of they wouldn’t, I could’ve taught them most of the course!

Anyway I’m going to Wakehurst because it’s Sunday. Ta rah!

I forgot again

What a bizarre dream I just had. Do I think that any of my old IT teachers from Sackville would know anything about SAS code? Of they wouldn’t, I could’ve taught them most of the course!

Anyway I’m going to Wakehurst because it’s Sunday. Ta rah!

Well It’s Friday, Have Some Stuff

Blimey someone’s had their weetabix this morning. The train driver drove completly past platform 1b and decided to stop at platform 1a. “That’s so rivetting Alex,” I hear you say. I most certainly have not had my weetabix today; I’ve managed to rub wax into my eyebrow and not my hair. I could go get it cut, but then it’d be ridiculously thin and where’s the fun in that? 

This week I’ve been listening to the album space cadet by Nigel Good and I must say it’s pretty delightful. I especially enjoy the third track called An adventure  which I’m sure is something that I am driving everyone insane with at the moment. I hum it to myself quite a bit. I’ll probably be whistling it next week to calm myself down. 

In other news, I’m out of lemons and as a result, I seem to be disorientated. It’s probably nothing, but I’m going to the doctors next Wednesday where he’ll probably say that I need to drink more water (which I have been) or eat more food (despite the fact that I can eat most people out of house and home already) or moan at me because I haven’t given blood in a while and I have too much iron in my system. Well either those things or he’ll say that I have some sort of mental illness (just what I need to be diagnosed with before my practise expedition). Lame joking aside though, I feel fine, just a bit lighter in the head. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have much to think about. 

Anyway I think I’ll wrap this one up here. This is Alex signing off for the weekend. Enjoy yourselves!

The Book 

I walked into the library, I demanded answers to my questions. Library Alex just sat there quietly reading his book, a red coloured hard back titled “Tetracious Theory”. At first he ignored me, then his eyes darted to mine and back to his book in one swift movement. I heard the caw of a crow, it gently glided down to perch on his shoulder. He stroked the underside of its beak, which seemed to delight the bird. I stood there, staring at him cruelly and coldly. Just who did he think he was? A smug grin crept over his face, my patience was running thin, I was itchy and irritable at the lack of answers. 

Library Alex now stared at me, the smirk covered his face as he continued to scratch the underside of the crow’s beak. Confidence oozing from every part of his body, the fire of his eyes burning brightly, his determination which never ceased. He was not weary, understandably, he’d never lost a game of chess. At last he spoke, well if you could call telepathy speech.”Catch,” he said and with that he tossed the red book towards me. It was deceptively heavy despite its A6 size and although I could hold it fine in my right hand, I understood that weedier people would not be able to do the same. As I opened the book I was horrified to discover that all the pages were blank, completely clean and white as a sheet. As I looked closer I thought I saw something move in the page. The crow came to sit on my shoulder and read the book as if there were words there, still I saw nothing. As I began to stare and look closer I began to see letters appear, then words and then sentences. They all read the same “You’ve learned nothing yet!” I ripped out the pages, chucked them and the cover all over the floor, I stamped on it and threw a tantrum. “just like a child, thankfully I have more”. His whole manner was irritating, but perhaps that was the point, because people who knew all the answers and never shared them actually really irritate people. It’s human nature, I guess. I am just an observer where my observations, my sensations and judgements mean nothing. Significance is independent to each observer. 

“You have much to learn Wornast. You have experienced many things, you have sampled many different flavours of pie, freedom and variety is what you seek, ethical use of power is something you must learn. You want answers? You can’t have them I’m afraid. First a lesson must be taught.” And with a snap of his fingers there I was, in the desolate desert with the sun beating down on me. I had to remained determined this was a test and I could not give up. The crow let out a cackling caw and I (yet again) was forced to trudge the desert in the boiling hot sun, but I guess that’s the way it works. Whatever is soft must become hard, that was just the way and that is how it should be. Pfft, that was rich, since when had shoulds got me anywhere. I guess the only way to find out is to play the game, so it is that I shall play and play that I shall!

Chapter 3 : The Phone Call

I always knew my hour would come to an end, it was inevitable. I had about twenty sites worldwide that all relied on that one satellite. Of course I had backup plans, I had them in excess, in fact I’d created a whole booklet full of troubleshooting steps and in eventuality of this happening, I’d no longer be able to live a normal life again. Don’t get me wrong, my life has never really been classified by anyone as normal, far from it in fact, but I guess that is what happens. I could be the most dangerous and destructive weapon on the planet. 

“Hi Nick, I’ll get down to business because I assume you know what this is about.”

“Right it’s about Fernukia.” 

“Yes, X192563927 to be precise! So as you’ve probably guessed NASA, ESA and Russia have gone absolutely ballistic about it.”

“No one uses that number, remember we’re a top secret organisation.”

“Yes we’re a top secret organisation who’s about to be exposed, remind me what we’re doing again by the way?”

“Do I have to remind you of the contract you signed, in event of exposure you’ll undergo a memory wipe, it’s not your problem it’s mine!” 

“Well I’m head of operations Nick, you put me in charge remember? What do you want me to do?”

“We’re in emergency operations, for goodness sake, you run the emergency procedures. That’s mass shutdown, the only place that should be in operation is firma.” 

“Complete shutdown, keep site one alive, roger that.”

I put the phone down and mopped the sweat from my brow. I looked at Lucas and Mark. “We’re issuing a stage seven shutdown, to protect you, your knowledge of everything about this project will be wiped. I am not expecting that you will be questioned, but as precaution, this must be taken. You may also experience fogginess and false memories. Please go home, I will take it from and thank you for your efforts.” 


A level seven shutdown was the last resort, Nick suspected it would happen at some point. No one really knew what all these facilities were for apart from Nick. Nick was developing a secret weapon, Nick wanted to control chaos. Chaos had always fascinated him, so he created it. He found the more you thought about something, the more entangled with, what he called “chaotic energy”, that something became. Chaos is a ridiculously powerful tool, but becomes harder to control. It’s like trying to tell a six year old not to press a big red button, it always won and if you shouted at it, chaos would proceed to throw a tantrum and smash up all your stuff. 

Eventually Nick decided to start working with chaos rather than against it. This lead him nearly to the point of insanity, which left him jittery but sleep deprived. If he’d continued, chaos would have possessed him, but as he’d observed, chaos was entangled with everything, which made Nick wonder, if everybody observes chaos, then perhaps each observer could experience different levels of chaos. A chaos quotient perhaps. In his theory Nick stated the following “each and every observer is influenced by chaos, but the level of chaos that each observer experiences is not equal. Each observer could therefore be described as a ‘chaotic entity’, but a ‘chaotic entity’ need not necessarily be an observer”

Nick didn’t really know what he’d achieve by controlling chaos, but he hoped that it would leave him alone, because he could never view anything in its simplest form. Everywhere Nick went he saw unrationlised fractions. Nick loved complexity, but at the same time, he wanted simplicity in all thingd. Alas chaos had foiled his plans “damn chaos” he thought “damn it indeed”

The First Days Of October

Because I forgot to write anything this weekend have a list of things that I did this weekend instead:

  • Played Minecraft.
  • Ran 20km.
  • Bumped into an old friend from sixth form.
  • Meditated.
  • Burnt candles.
  • Bought more candles.
  • Went on a first aid course.
  • Went to bed ridiculously early.
  • Had porridge with blueberries.
  • Drove around Tunbridge Wells for practise.
  • Completed some stuff
  • Messed around with Java because it didn’t work correctly.
  • Did some more calculations.
  • Remembered.
  • Found a pair of Dr. Marten’s that one of my ex’s bought me.
  • Fixed the remote desktop connection on Renfuku.
  • Cleaned Renfuku.
  • Continued reading last to die, which I really should have finished by now. I’m reading this one ridiculously slowly…
  • Reviewed my plans for Halloween, which is something I don’t even celebrate.
  • Sorted out travel plans for this week.
  • Did the three S’.
  • Read some of my old diaries and mind dumps.
  • Messed around with the Key because paperless train tickets. 
  • Decided that it would be a great idea to read every tweet on my Twitter account and it really was. All 4,199 of them.
  • Reflected on everything I’ve done these past three and a half years.

      Anyway I’m off to get my free tube travel and coffee. Blimey that’s awfully first model of me coffee…

      The most pointless things that are in my house

      So I was looking around my house the other day and there are loads of things that we have scattered around the house for the purpose of ‘novelty’ and there’s quite a lot of things that have caused us all to say “oh for goodness sake, why have you bought that?” There’s also a lot of things that we’re keeping as well for some reason. So without further ado, here’s the list 

      A Soft Close Toilet Seat

      Now my upstairs bathroom is very fancy (or so people tell me anyway because of the bidet) but the latest addition dad decided to add was a Soft close toilet seat. I’m sure now I’ve mentioned this, everyone will be playing with it. Basically the soft close aspect means that it doesn’t make a loud clunk noise when you suddenly let go of it. I’m fairly sure no one does that. Well you’d have to be a special kind of special at least to do that…

      A Defuser 

      Something that my mother apparently bought for cooking. I think I’ve ever seen her use it once or twice. 

      A Trouser Press

      I’ve never really seen the point of this. I just pressed the buttons on it when I was younger and thought that it was the most amazing toy in existence. Again this has never been used and I don’t quite understand what It’s for apart from maybe keeping trousers warm and uncreased? 

      A Zenstone MP4 player created by Creative

      Literally has no use now that smartphones exist. 

      Photo Albums From My Childhood

      Sure okay it’s bizarre because in all the pictures of when I was young boy, I had blonde hair. But there’s not really any point in keeping these. Foolishly I have left them in the clutches of my parents, so I’m sure that will haunt me some day.

      My Baby Teeth

      Yes I still have all my baby teeth. I’m not sure why I’m keeping them really if i’m honest. I find them to be pretty cool. Still as prestine clean as when they first fell out. 

      Tapes From My Childhood

      Yes we still have a tape player actually. Why I would want to listen to myself when I was ridiculously young (we’re talking 7) is another question though so my mother’s keeping these for some reason.

      An Old Printer That Doesn’t Work

      Yes I was meant to smash this up for circuit boards for my new feature wall which would go where the train tickets on my wall are, but i never got round to that so it’s just chilling in my wardrobe. 

      A Fireguard That Can’t Be Used When The Fire Is On

      Yes my parents decided to buy a fireguard with acrylic candle holders. This means that when the gas fire is on, these holders will crack which means that it’s guarding you from an unlit fire. Hmm I’m not quite sure who the smart guy or gal who came up with that idea was, but seriously well done there! 

      Jewellery Given To Me From My First Girlfriend

      Sure it was significant when we were going out, but it holds no significance now. Sure I still wear it sometimes, but not very often. It’s just something to observe 

      Results From My Sunspot Study

      The one I did all the work for, but never finished. In year 10 Steve (Mr. Bush) wondered if I would like an extension to that of my GCSE in astronomy. Naturally I said “Of course” because I was (and secretly still am) into astronomy. Some nights I sneak outside just to stare at the stars and evaluate everything. It talks some sense into me sometimes. Of course the results are interesting to look at, but they are a constant reminder to how I never finished that piece of work. Although maybe it would have helped if I still felt as passionately as I used to about astrophysics.   

      A Broken Eiffel Tower

      This one is a funny one, well not funny in a sense that it is humorous, rather funny because it is bizarre for me to keep it. Of course I didn’t buy a broken Eiffel tower, that would be ridiculous, no what actually happened is that I trod on it and rather than fixing it with super glue (which is what I usually do) I just left it how it was and kept it in the same place. I mean you’d chuck that away wouldn’t you?

      So there we have it, these are all the pointless things that I found in my house. What are of yours? Leave a comment and tell me what you find

      Numbers And Figures

      Let’s run some calculations, let’s plug in some numbers and see what comes up. Seventy-five chickens twenty ate cows how many didn’t? Not everything is supposed to be methodical, not everything is supposed to be logical. Perhaps I’m a fool for trying to explain the unexplainable. Every model has had a system, a method. The first model was the greatest of these models, the most powerful, the most intelligent, but while he loved chaos, his world was methodical, extremely methodical and it worked. As I look at the person I used to be, I wonder what happened to him. What was the plan in all of this? What broke the first model, what forced me to become like this? I thought I was better than this, but I’m obviously not. 

      What’s my problem? If I could tell you I would, but the problem lies below the surface of ny mind in the subconscious where a version of myself sits in a library reading books. He’s constantly observing. Maybe I should’ve explained this, maybe I should have told you this, but you wouldn’t care, so there’s no point. You’d simply shrug and say that’s interesting, it’s what most people would do I guess, because what else would people say? Most people wouldn’t split parts of their life to be completely different people, but unfortunately I cannot deny that I have been four completely different people, the difference between all of these are the ideologies. Perhaps it’s time I asked what is the question. Maybe the answer will only reveal itself once it has occurred.

      The question is though how many questions must a man answer before he can ask the one question that he needs ask to find his answer. I reckon it’s an awful lot. I’ve been searching for an answer for a very long time. Perhaps the answer has been found but will not surface, who knows, who cares. Perhaps I shouldn’t. Maybe you don’t trust the library Alex. Maybe he is evil, but if that’s the cass, that’s what you’re going to end up like. You can’t fight it, well you can but you won’t win, after all this is only a crack in the castle of glass. You can’t see it, but I guess it is significant because many cracks would cause a shattering. Stop the cracks and you can stop the castle and by extension, the kingdom. 

      Take out the Queen and you effectively remove most threats disable, the castles and you effectively disable the board. Take out the dominance and nothing really fights, nothing really bites back, nothing will ever scare you. Without feeling scared, you feel safe and who wants to feel safe? There is no safety, only the illusion. Little risk DOES NOT mean no risk. IT ALWAYS EXISTS. Maybe you don’t operate a cause to effect system, maybe that’s not the way you operate. I’m not saying you should, but it may be useful of course. 

      So how do I end this? I could continue to waffle on till eternity and let my mind dump words on a page as if it were a landfill site. But I shan’t, I shouldn’t at least. It’s not a good idea. Perhaps this post was not a good idea, but it’s better than nothing. It will serve its purpose and that my dear friend is ever so satisfactory. 

      Oh and one more thing. Keep going won’t you? Remember, this is what you do! 

      I Didn’t Want To Do This But You Leave Me No Choice

      Oh so you want a war now do you? I accept your challenge; I do suspect that we’ll end up like Russia and America on this one. We have enough nukes to blow each other to kingdom come, but would you really want to risk it all for this? Let me warn you, I know how to play the game, I know the rules and my determination will ensure that I cannot lose. Gambling is not a fool’s game, it’s something highly successful people thrive at. It’s all about risk if you want the reward that is. Can you take a calculated risk? Of course you can, you’re a psychopath ask anyone, that’s what they say you are, that’s what you say you are. Unfortunately there’s not much original about you, if I had been a cadet and not a Scout, I think we’d have been pretty much be identical. Maybe that’s what scares me, the fact that I could have turned out like you. 

      Yeah back in the day I used to respect you, but well you have made a bit of a mess recently. It annoys me because I can’t comprehend your masochistic personality. I guess to you it may not seem like you are inflicting upon yourself, after all I too find it difficult to take anything too seriously now. Now I know you have something to say to me so you might as well say it. Seriously I insist that you do. You will make so much easier. Oh but you love the complexity don’t you. You love the rush that the game gives you. Controlled only by your senses, because that is what makes sense to you. 

      Why am I asking questions recently? Because you are asking me questions good sir. Sure not many, but I know you have something to say, so for goodness sake just say it! You won’t say it I know you won’t. Maybe you are too proud to admit it. What do you get out of this? Why do you think this is a good idea when I’m not so certain. When I think back, I knew what I was signing up for. I knew what would happen, but I kept going. The crazy became normality, the chaos became my life. If I sat back for a while, the whole street would be ablaze. Unfortunately I am very humanitarian person. 

      So ready your army. If you want a war then we’ll have our war. Make your move I dare you. Play as dirty as you like. Because while you set out to destroy I set out to heal. As protector of man, it is my duty. Maybe my causes are futile and you might even question what i’m even doing. Like I told you, I’m on no one’s side, I’m purely an observer. Just say what you need to say so we can all get on with our lives. At the end of the day though remember that it’s your choice! I don’t want to have to stop you, but I will have to bring you down to size if you get in my way. 

      This is how it has always worked, I’m not evil, I don’t want to be hostile, I don’t try to be either. I know you keep telling me you don’t have a problem, you know I can’t believe that. So let’s sort this. Round one, move one let’s start. Do your worst!

      Google Allo

      Allo Allo, Google’s Doing Smart Messaging

      Smart seems to be a word that’s popping up everywhere recently. We have smart phones, smart homes, even smart watches. Now we have ‘smart messaging.’ Of course I say smart, these things aren’t really smart, but they’re certainly not dumb to say the least either.

      So what is smart messaging as such?

      Smart messaging (from what I’ve gathered at least) is taking a messaging app and adding what’s known as assistance to it to make your life easier. Actually the word smart in most concepts of technology means to make your life easier, which actually was supposed to be the purpose of the in the beginning he says. By assistance I don’t mean adding magnifiers or daft text narration and speech dictation, because quite simply, that’s not smart, it’s just useful for some users, but a hindrance to most of the populace. What I mean by assistance is adding an embedded personal assistant to a messaging app, like Siri or Cortana, except that it’s  obviously powered by Google and not Apple or Microsoft. The app is available (or rather it will be when this post is released I hope) for both IOS and Android devices.

      Why on earth would I want this?

      Okay for the majority of use cases, you’re probably not going to need to use the assistance. It’s more of a gimmick. For example, am I really going to shout at my phone to show you that I am angry? No of course not, that would be daft! Might I share with you a recipe for something to cook tonight? Possibly but I’m assuming you can cook now. It could be very useful however if you needed to share your location, although Skype already has this feature.

      Smart reply

      Now if you want to say for example “ah okay” in response to a message, instead of typing “ah okay” every single time

      Incognito chats

      There have been times when you’ve probably thought you’d really rather keep these chats to yourself and while yes you could just delete the thread, in Google Allo, you could just as easily make it an incognito chat.

      So tell me again why I should install this?

      If you’re the sort of person who likes the look of Facebook messenger and can convince all your friends to download Google Allo then (because you can’t send SMS from it at the moment) then go ahead.

      Do you like it?

      Well I’m going to be honest with you, I really liked the sound of it but it doesn’t work like i expected it to. For example I would have expected you would be able to send SMS through Google Allo. As of yet you can’t, but you can invite them. It kind of defeats object. It’s also sending messages without end to end encryption by default which means that the Google assistant can read all those saucy messages that you’re sending to that girl/guy right now! Well that is if you have the app installed of course, otherwise your safe. Or are you?

      So no I don’t like it at the moment but I see its potential.


      Google’s Allo is effectively a reboot of the Google Hangouts app with cosmetic changes and a fancy digital assistant with features such as incognito chat and better speech recognition that detects when you’re shouting and adjusts the size of the text. It looks a bit like Facebook messenger, but it’s certainly a lot more intelligent. But I seriously question its usefulness right now but maybe that’s my defeatist. Oh yes and it will also probably spy on you, but that’s to be expected considering everything is spying on you already right?

      I’m Not Schizophrenic, It’s One Of “These” Posts Again

      Warning the following post contains a little bit of bad language

      Right let’s go. This attempt two, last time we did this it was back in March and there were only three of us. Now there are five of us. So let’s start. We’re heading anticlockwise go. 

      Okay anticlockwise sounds like an M25 travel report you know the large circular motorway 

      So Alex just did a big laugh and scared us all. So I don’t know what to say at all because I’ve never blogged. All I can feel is myself a little tipsy from a small cocktail I am a huge light weight. But we’re Pokémon hunting WOIIIOI. Hahahaha blogging is harder than I thought. And if someone is 6ft, then they are as tall as 6 1ft subways. And now Alex is dreading some stuff because of something. No change there then. oh man good luck! I’m just typing random shit now and my eyes hurt like hell and I need a hug hahahaha I’ll shut up now. 

      Well, after a tangent longer than the build-up to the EU referendum and an equally perplexing result, it’s my turn to give this blogging lark a shot. I shan’t pretend to have any interesting content to offer, but I am able to offer a more realistic approach to most standard aspects of life. Take blogging as an example. The prospect of whittering on about personal affairs to an audience of largely complete strangers, with no foreseeable end to the ramblings and no solution to any issues, seems entirely pointless… unless to vent frustration to a mass of individuals in the hopes that doing so would provide some kind of emotional closure… Ah. I see the point now. Uh, do carry on.

      Well after Hadokens rant up there I’m not really sure what to say, so yes… Blogs. I’m not a huge blogger but I suppose I can pretend to be an intellectual, master of the art of words. I enjoy nights in spoons with this oddball crew, we will probably venture to McDonald’s later so Alpha Nerd Alex can dip an apple pie in a mcflurry. I’m enjoying myself ^-^

      Fat chance of that happening considering I’ve just eaten six pancakes. So let’s have a topic because so far there is nothing worth talking about. So yes I swear too much I think so let’s talk about swearing because why on earth not. How many times on average do you guys swear in a day?

      The answer is alcohol what was the question?

      Swearing…. I swear when I am angry, I swear when I am sad, I swear whenever the fuck I want because it’s now in my vocabulary. It’s a way to vent off and it’s satisfying. When something annoys me or I am upset, I shall use the sailor language because it’s better than violence. Sometimes I swear when I am happy as well because when something just goes so well you just want to shout from the rooftops that something has finally gone your way. Sadly at The moment I haven’t had that moment but hopefully I will. The spongebob episode of him and Patrick swearing is the first time I knew about swearing so that’s a great episode yeahhh fucking great. 

      I’d like to forward this by saying that swearing is considered to be a sign of an advanced vocabulary. On which note, fuck yeah I swear. I swear all day every day, to the point that I begin sentences with “fucking”. Y’know what I mean: “Fuckin’, dude, tryin’ to avoid Breath of the Wild spoilers on Facebook is like trying to avoid stupid on tumblr.’ Swears become adjectives, nouns, verbs, they’re just so gloriously versatile; who wouldn’t appreciate such diversity in language? Besides, nothing quite dispenses with irritating company like ‘fuck off’ does.

      Fuck off 

      Well that was rude… I don’t think I want to talk anymore :c

      Okay I’m slightly weirded out, one Simon’s work colleagues just said hello and complimented me on my shirt and my shoes, so I’m going to be honest with you that was weird. They also contributed one of the paragraphs of in this post, so thank you for your insight on that one. It was certainly creative… Anyway I’m going to round this off here. Thank you everyone!

      Chapter 2: Gentle Sipping

      For chapter one click here!

      I scribbled frantically as the phone rang. Mark asked if me if he wanted him to answer it, but the whole situation was irritating me. “Go for Nick,” I answered in a resigned and defeated voice. I knew what this was, I knew what this meant. My plan had to work, if it didn’t then everything I worked so hard on would fail.


      Dene had finished doing whatever he was doing in the basement of the tea shop. He was not the brightest of people and he was dreadfully slow at thinking. Raine (who was the name of the girl that had stepped into the tea shop earlier) was still there texting away on her phone taking an occasional sip. Like she’d said earlier, she had never drank tea before, so she wasn’t quite aware of all of the customs and etiquettes of drinking the stuff. Thankfully Nick’s brew was a blended variety that seemed to suit anyone’s taste. It had a vanilla aftertaste, but the overall flavour wasn’t too overpowering. To Nick, tea was a science. He had experimented for years with different ingredients and it had taken him five years to figure out this tea, which is what he described as a ‘truly magical blend’. If he was a robot then this was his oil, even though half of the people he met didn’t think he was a human. 

      As Dene emerged from behind the counter, he noticed that Nick had left. He was about to go back down to the basement when he saw a book left on Nick’s table. Nick had a habit of taking off and leaving his book. This one was an advanced tsumego book, which was strange because Nick usually full of PDFs containing exactly that. “Excuse me,” said Dene to Raine. “Do you know where Nick went?”.
      “No I’m sorry, he said that you were ‘lazy and inefficient’, gave me this tea and sat back down, swore and ran off really fast.” Dene shrugged and smiled at her. He thought nothing of it. Most people would have been freaked out about a book with the words inscribed “life and death” into the book cover. 

      Nick always left notes in books. When he was younger, he used to scribble (and I say scribble because he handwriting was barely legible) to exactly where he was going, what he would be doing and what time he would be back. It was the perfect place to put it because only the person who requires to know would see it, because most people don’t read books that have been left on the table, well this is at least what Nick had always observed when he said to his parents “didn’t you read the book?” Unfortunately, in this tale no one actually opened the book so you will never know the message that Nick left. 

      Raine asked Dene if he knew where Nick had ran off to, Dene shrugged and tried not to make eye-contact. Despite the fact that he ran a teashop, he was not the most socially aware person on the planet. He was a tad awkward most of the time and embarrassed by his hobbies. As he shrugged he thought about this, he didn’t quite understand it. He had noticed Nick to be a very erratic person at times, but he’d never really thought about it until now. He’s always let it slide, but now he  posed questions as to who he really was. He sent him a text that read the following “What the hell is going on, there’s a strange girl asking where you are.” But he got no response. Quite clearly something was up, but Dene would never clock it, he thought too slow and thought too realistically. Nick himself was riddled with chaos, which is why many people were both drawn to him and could never understand him. “I assume he served you,” said Dene. Raine nodded and shrugged. That’s really all she could do. She continued to text, but was truthfully bored, she had to know more about Nick. She asked Dene for Nick’s number and began to formulate a text. This is what she did. This was how it started, oh people would be judging her for this if they ever found out, but she suspected the risk would be greater than the reward. 


      The clock read 05:30AM. I turned on the radio because I didn’t feel sleepy. It was raining outside so I stepped outside and allowed myself get drenched, I almost forgot I was standing outside until I looked at my watch. I figured that it was best to book a Travelodge rather than annoy my parents more after my huge shouting match on Tuesday. Quite clearly I couldn’t control the white hot rage that’s been flowing through my veins this week. I’ve chucked myself into my work, I’ve been out in Guildford,  I’ve purposely made myself busy because that’s all I can do. It’s what I want to do and it’s what I should be doing because busyness is what makes me feel resolved. 

      You sat at the table with me in the canteen as I was eating breakfast and solving Tsumego puzzles, you asked me what I was doing and you asked me how I could solve these puzzles just by looking at them. I simply looked up for a second, I looked you right in the eyes, blinked and replied “practise” before I shifted my gaze once again to the screen. My breakfast was six black puddings, black pudding is an English breakfast items made from most things pig including its blood. I had a carton of pineapple juice to the right-hand side of me, a whole lemon to my left and a the little SAS book  along with my laptop in front of me. I had a pen and a notebook that I would write the solutions to the life and death problems. 

      Now for those who don’t know anything about Go, there are puzzles that regard the life and death of stones. These are called Tsumego. The aim of Tsumego is to keep your stones alive and possibly kill the oppositions stones. It’s ridiculously strategic and has more combinations than there are known atoms in the universe. 

      This was my mind rebuilding itself, reverting itself to standard operating procedures it created in February. I shouted at a tree. My mind was reforming itself, it was calculating the square root of a lemon, the subconscious processing was continuing as it has done since I was born, perhaps even longer. It was creating, it was innovating bringing new ideas to a burnt out and defeated model. This was the beginning, it was beginning to heal, it was understanding, it shrugged and the monkeys all suddenly shut up. It glared at them, it sneered at them. It was not pleased with them so it threw them against the wall. 

      Doubt was shattered like glass across the floor. My mind smiled maniacally, there was evil in its eyes. “Well,” it said to me “harder than you thought wasn’t it?” I looked at it, I tried to understand it, but consciousness cannot fully understand semiconsciousness. “Someone told me this model would be unsure, it’s the one that’s been exposed to the most chaos, but that’s probably its own fault because of its resilience. One thing’s for certain, it’s determined oh and it cares. It possesses good people skills as it always has done and it’s restless. Sure it’s moving quickly, but you’ll have to move quicker do you understand me? Know that it’s okay to leave some things undecided, but don’t let that control your life. One final thing, you expect too much because you want people to be better than they actually are. That’s why you’re disappointed, well were disappointed. Whatever! Just get back out there, you’re not done yet. ” 

      A Perfectly Disjointed Post, Just Like My Driving

      Seriously someone move that pigeon! It’s been two whole weeks why is it still here? 

      I can’t believe it’s still here and I’m not even sure if it is a pigeon now actually taking a look at it. I honestly think I’m gonna miss waiting for trains in October when I’ll be cursing (maybe cruising if I’m lucky) the UKs biggest carpark (otherwise known as the M25) and spending every other weekend away from home. I’ve wanted this for a while. I remember in the beginning when one of my friends Dan told me about a dream he had. It went something like this. He and some of his housemates (from first year) and his mum (apparently) were in Brighton for some reason. I plugged in a laptop to my car because I claimed that it would “Do the steering for me”. As you can imagine the dream ended in a car crash, but for a few moments apparently the car was actually in zero gravity mode. Or at least this is what Dan claims about his dream. I can’t quite remember what he said but there was something about a hill. Either way I was like “woaaaah man. That’s trippy.” When he told me all about these. 

      Now the surprising thing is that at the time I was working on numerous ideas about modifications I could make to the car, but I don’t think anyone knew I was doing anything like this until late May. One of the things I was working on with one of my friends (until I found out she was completely crazy) was a raspberry pi car computer system. I’d done a bit of research into setups people had come up with and I decided it was a good idea to try it. So we found a car and boy did that cost a bomb to insure, well I say we found a car, we just used her Peugeot 206 which was apparently made in 2002. Let me tell you I could tell. 

      I honestly thought my Dad would share more enthusiasm that I was finally taking an interest in cars considering his heavy background of engineering.Grandma tells me all about it still when I talk to her on the phone. My dad did give me a strange look when I started talking about fibreglass dashboards though, which is probably because he couldn’t imagine me doing this because I’ve always worked with my head more than with my hands. My parents are very strange creatures though. When someone turns up at the house and they say “They’re waiting for me” and I don’t want to talk to them, it does not mean that you should allow them to stay and offer them scones… I’m sure one or two of you reading this will remember when I first told you that story when I was on the third week of a Java course in London. I guess I have to give Jonesy a bit of credit though, even if there was always something she wanted me to do with her car. Now she drives the fanciest 206 in all the land ? 

      Don’t get me wrong it was fun and I never had to pay a penny for the parts and I got treated like a king with all the tea and biscuits I was given, but all good things have to come to an end eventually especially if you can’t give someone exactly what they want. Anyway where was I? Oh yes driving

      Now I would describe my driving to be interesting. I mean when I’m in the car I don’t actually notice that the radio is on until someone turns it off because of the utter tut that comes out of it. I used to be a very nervous driver in the beginning, but that’s probably because I had my first lessons in Guildford, which is apparently (so I’m told) a very hard place to drive. I guess those words must hold some truth because everywhere else I’ve driven has been a cake-walk. On my intensive course, my instructor asked if I had been on a dual carriageway before. I chuckled because that was my second lesson in Guildford. No wonder I came back in after lunch on Thursdays shaking like a leaf… I find it funny that my father thinks music affects my driving. On Tuesday he said “have you eaten rocket fuel this morning?” He then turned off the radio, which I didn’t even notice was on, because he thought I’d drive slower. I think he was very surprised that it didn’t have any effect. 

      My driving style really does depend on the person sitting next to me though. If it’s dad I become an angry driver, if it’s mum I become more cautious and if it’s my instructor I drive naturally. I’ve got a month to iron out all the kinks though now and I feel comfortable with driving now. The nicest car that I have driven (well in my opinion it felt the most natural to) was definitely the Hyundai i10 I drove last week. I didn’t feel much love for the fiesta and my mother’s Citroen, well let’s just say I’m not quite sure what its game is yet. Let’s just say I have some sort of love hate relationship with its cheap and flimsy feeling pedals. 

      Anyway I’m sure everything will be fine. I just need to keep practising. Ta rah for now